Daily Move: Try Tai Chi

Like yoga, the slow, gentle movements of tai chi are another Eastern tradition that might help you break free from depression or major depressive disorder. In a study of 14 older Chinese patients with depression, those who took tai chi over a three-month period showed a significant improvement in their depression symptoms. The researchers theorized that the social aspects of tai chi, which is done in group settings, may have also played a role in its effectiveness.


Source: http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression-pictures/great-exercises-to-fight-depression.aspx#/slide-5


Daily Dose

Today is not a good day. I woke up to day a good day, yesterday was a good day. Then it all went to shit. My on again- off again relationship, is off again. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe it is not. I found strength in that relationship. The thought of the end put me into shambles. Usually when he walks away, I am able to face it with such indifference. Perhaps its everything else going on in my life, perhaps its the insecurity of my employment. Perhaps it is a little bit of everything.

I was feeling so much better yesterday, I started to think the supplements were lifting me. Today though, the darkness welcomes be back into its arms. Today, the sadness taunts me like an old friend who know how to push me away and pull me back. Today the darkness comes like a blast from the past, threatening to consume me with its power. Yesterday, I felt strong, Yesterday, I felt like I could be okay, like I could take all on, with him in my life, without him in my life, it didn’t matter.

Ironically, I think the ambivilence is what attracts him. I have never read the book why men love bitches, but I think when he feels like I need him to be strong, he is turned off by that. My last boyfriend needed to be needed, he needed me to be week, to need him. This one is different, I cant manipulate him with my tears, I cant manipulate with him with the sadness. He is one of the others, he doesnt understand how real the darkness is, he doesnt understand how it consumes me. he doesnt understand that his voice pulls me into the light when everything else is dark. He doesn’t want to be my hero. He doesnt want to rescue me. He wants me to be strong, on my own. I was strong on my own when he came around, I was standing in an unbreakable tower, but then, something happened, the darkness came back, too many things were going good, too many things were going my way… the darkness laughs at me, it taunts me, it thinks it is funny that I would believe life could be better. It swipes my knees out from under me, to assure me that I can’t stand alone, on my own. I need some chemical inside me. I need some chaos to organize, I need some crisis to rise above, it will not let me just be ok with the status quo.

Today is not a good day, my eyes are swollen with the tears of uncertainty, my brain aches with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Unsure of its own strength, it looks to find words to strengthen it, to assure it, but the heart is broken and the heart cannot support it today.

It could be so simple to shut my eyes and close out the world, stop worrying about the hurt, stop begging for the pain to end. I could just end it. I can make the pain go away as quick as a bullet can pierce the skin or a poison absorbs into the body. It could all be over that quickly. It could. But three little men depend on me. Their father is worse off than I am. He drowns himself in alcohol so he doesn’t have to be strong. At least when we were together, I had a crisis to solve, to remind me that I was alive. Those three little men have no choice, they will inherit this mess, they get it from both of us, I have to show them strength and resolve. But today, I don’t have any. Today, I want to curl up and wish it all away, I want my swollen head to stop aching. I want my broken heart to stop beating. I want the pain to stop.

Tomorrow I can be strong, I can get up and forget this day every happened. I can clean the chaos around me, keep myself to busy to be tormented by the thoughts that agonize me today. I can clean away the despair, sweep away the dusty feelings of yesterday, mop up all the tears. But not today. Today I am too far gone, the tears stain my face, rub salt into my wounds. Today they fester and torment. Today, I will wallow in this ugly darkness because it is familiar, it is home.

Tomorrow I can put on a mask again. Tomorrow I can pretend again. Tomorrow I can be strong again. Today, leave me alone in my despair. It is comfortable here.

Exciting News: The fog is lifting, something is working!!

Good Morning fellow bloggers! I have some very, very exciting news to report this morning. First of all let me say that I woke up with a cold (Stuffy nose, sore throat and the whole bit.) BUT, besides the pain in the ass that is a summer cold, I feel a little bit like the fog is lifting. The fact that I Can feel the fog lifting a little while still feeling like shit physically means the fog must really be lifting!!

So let’s take a look at what could be causing this better feeling today, not completely great, not better, not healthy and like I got my shit all together but something is different!  First of all, I am fairly certain that my recent bout with a cold is because I wore my immune system down. I stayed up for almost 80 hours with insomnia and had that not happened, I think I would be feeling tremendous today.

I would also like to mention that I neglected to take my antidepressant yesterday, not because I didn’t want to take it, just the fog and confusion of finally sleeping after days of insomnia.

Let’s get to it already you say? I am seriously going to attribute the fog lifting to the supplements I have been taking. My 4 day bout of insomnia followed by crashing for almost 48 hours has prevented me from following the diet and exercise regiment.

So, with all that said, I think I can attribute this better feeling today to the supplements alone.

If you missed my post on supplements, I will repost here:

I studied what all the experts recommended for supplementation of a depressed person and came up with the following:

  • Fish Oil (7:1 EPA:DHA) Which I found difficult to navigate. So, I am taking a Triple Omega Complex that contains fish oil, flaxseed oil and borage oil
  • Multi Vitamin – I am taking a prenatal multi because it contains higher levels of those key nutrients recommended for women
  • B-100 complex, which boosts all my B vitamins and folic acid (Huge if you are depressed)
  • D3 vitamin – (10000IU)
  • Magnesium (320-420mg) the one I am taking is only 250 mg (Because I forgot my list when I was at the store, but I could take two of these)
  • Chromium Picolinate (200-600 mcg) – I am NOT taking this one yet, because(See above) I forgot my list

SO with that said, I am basically taking a fish oil supplement, a pre-natal vitamin, a B complex, magnesium and D and I am feeling better. Not 100 %, but I am feeling better, even with the awful cold I have going on. So something is helping!!

I haven’t strictly stuck with the diet I have been posting, mostly because I slept for the past two days, lol, and as for the workout, well, I have been doing that, but I enjoy a much stricter yoga practice, so I don’t think the few moves we have been practicing recently have helped all that much yet.

I slept through the day yesterday and missed out on my weekly massage ;(


Oh this is such an exciting development! I hope some of you have been taking the supplements too, or at least following the food plan or workout. Please come back and tell me how its working!

“Because that’s…

I am sharing this blog post of someone else because the verbalized what I was thinking of writing about earlier. I think we start to become comfortable in our agony, because it is familiar, because it gives us an excuse for feeling bad or behaving badly. Some of us actually feel bored when we feel good, there is no chaos, no stress, nothing for us to fix, no one to rescue. The status quo, and just living in the moment is difficult to comprehend. We don’t want to feel nothing, so we would rather feel the pain that is the depression. Do you agree with this? SHare your thoughts. I know there are times when my life is going okay, just okay, no depression but no high, no elation, I miss the extremeness of the depression. Maybe I would be happy at the other extreme, alas, I have never felt such a high. But when one thing goes wrong, when one card slips out of place and chaos ensues, there is a rush, something washes over me, a familiar feeling of stress, chaos, pain, excitement…. I feel Alive.


So many of us are struggling with this disease. Everyday, I share with you another blog post showing how deeply someone is struggling with finding their way out of the darkness….. I truly believe we can all find our way out, if we help each other and we change the way we think about things and the way we eat… it can’t hurt to try, can it?


You would think that I would grow used to this feeling, to being unable to escape my own mind. You would think that I would not be affected by it the way I used to. You would think that I’d have built up some immunity to depression over the years I’ve been dealing with it.

You would be wrong.

Even after all this time, it still steals the breath from my lungs and the smile from my lips. It still steals the strength from my muscles and the spring from my steps. It still steals the shine from my eyes and the focus from my mind.

My depression is a thief, and a clever one at that.

My depression knows when to strike, what to say, who to target, why I should listen, and how it will destroy me all over again.

Maybe I wouldn’t have fallen too hard this…

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“Have patience …

“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew.”

Saint Francis de Sales

We are so hard on ourselves. No one can criticize us as much as we do ourselves. No one can cause us to suffer the guilt we put upon ourselves. If we believe that we are what we think and the principals of the law of attraction, we have got to stop beating ourselves up! Stop criticizing our moods, our size, our work, our shape, our laziness, our lack of control, our rage, our tears…. Just Stop! Take a deep breath!

I have spent several years of my life in and out of 12 step programs.No, I have never been addicted to anything, is what I want to say, but if I am being truthful, I was addicted to DRAMA. I needed to rescue, I needed to be in crisis mode… and when my life was no longer in chaos, I think I subconsciously created it, where it wasn’t. Maybe I still do this.. although I guarantee not to the extent I did when I was younger.

True Story, I remember several occasions throughout my past where something blew up, some kind of crisis, something that would have thrown most people on their knees… I remember them vividly, I remember that everyone else was stressed and upset and in crisis mode and me? I was calm. Something inside me was doing a happy dance, but I was calm. I needed to manage a crisis and oh I do it so well! I noticed that when my life is not so chaotic.. I am depressed. I don’t create the chaos so much anymore, but maybe that is why I am depressed more often… and deeper.

Anyway, back to our quote and my 12 step experience (By the way, Al-anon and CODA and ACOA were my programs, in case you wondered.) During those times, I learned the serenity prayer. We all know it, but, do we really think about its meaning? Do you spend time sitting around ruminating over something someone else did or said? Do you have anxiety? Clearly we need a little work on accepting the things we cannot change, or maybe, we still don’t know the difference. So let’s take a quick look, one more time…

God, (you can leave this part out if you need to and still get the same impact, don’t let your religion, agnosticism or atheism get in the way of the mess here!)

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The Courage to Change the things I Can


The Wisdom to know the difference

So, when we are ruminating over something, it may be good to remind ourselves of the serenity prayer. Break it down:

Serenity Prayer Break Down

Really, the end is the beginning…. Can I do anything about this? Try to meditate on it..

If we can do something about it… JUST DO IT!

If we cannot… thinking about it will get us no where! When we learn to accept this, we will find serenity!

Think of it like an election. Before the election, we are worried about who will be elected. It may keep us awake at night, talking about it at work, at the dinner table, it becomes our entire life force at that moment. ( I Know this is an overly simple example, but roll with me here) So, it starts impacting the quality of our life because all we do is think about the pending election. So, we come home, and sit in a nice yoga pose, maybe light a candle and think on it by slowly asking ourselves…

Can I do anything about it? the answer may be.. YES

What Can I do? I can go Vote, Maybe volunteer for the campaign or some activist group

So get off your ass and do it already, all this energy you are spending ruminating over it just isnt good for your or the people around you!

Now the election is over, our candidate lost. We are not happy about it, we are angry about this. We sit our butts down to meditate again and realize, the election is over, there is nothing we can do to change the result. This is the hard part for me. I know when I do not have control over something, but Man, finding peace and serenity in the lack of control is difficult!

I like to think of a a Buddhist philosophy here. It goes something like this: “The root of all human suffering is desire.” I dont know if that is exactly right, but, that is how I tell myself to let it go. I am anxious, agitated, sad, angry, depressed, etc… because I wanted something I didnt get. I desired something, someone, some outcome. When I think of it like this… it makes me feel selfish and therefore more able to get over it.



One last thought… My kids hear me say this slightly under breath, quite a bit recently, three teenage boys will test anyone’s serenity.  Anyway, the first time they heard it, they were acting up pretty good and knew I was about to blow a gasket. Instead, I turned my back, took a breath and said the prayer to myself. My eldest son told his brothers that I was chanting, and putting some kind of a spell on them.. Now, everytime they hear me, they say I am chanting again. Ironically, this has become a signal for them that they are getting on my nerves and I am getting ready to blow, so, I guess, while unintended, I got the result I was looking for!

Do you ever use this prayer? Do you use anything else to teach yourself patience and forgiveness for yourself?