That is all

That is all

I reblogged this little sign,I totally wish that I could post this on my forehead…. I just had an entire conversation with Mr Man. “Stop trying and just do it,” he says. “Get out of the house, do something with yourself, I am sick of seeing you like this, you are a winner! You are not this person who sits in bed all day blogging!” Doesn’t he know that the blogging is helping? Why can’t he understand that I am doing things. Two weeks ago, all I wanted to do was put a bullet in my head, now I am trying to eat healthy, exercise, write, clean my house…. these are ALL THINGS THAT I AM DOING!!!!

He thinks that yelling at me like a drill sergeant is being supportive. (He is active duty, and I am retired military) I understand, he thinks he is helping. He thinks yelling at me to do something is motivating me. He doesn’t understand the guilt it brings on. I appreciate you getting my kids off their asses to pick up the house, when I have been in bed all day, but yelling at me because I didn’t yell at them…. oh the guilt…. then you lift my chin to make me look you in the eyes while you tell me I am a winner…. that is the stuff that fairytales can be made of, the highly charged, emotional moment, where you wipe the tears from my cheek and tell me to look at you and you kiss my nose…… hmmmmm… in a different time and place, I might actually be motivated by that, It might actually make me feel good. …. I wish you understood that it just makes me feel guilty which makes me want to crawl in bed and pull the covers over my head and cry and stay there until my eyes are raw and my head hurts and I fall asleep from the sheer exhaustion of crying… Then when I wake up, I feel guilty because I went to bed crying instead of cleaning or whatever the conversation was about that time and I stay in bed because I feel like I can’t possible make up for all the bad decisions. AND, how can I look at you and feel like we will ever be equals? I am a strong woman after all, I really am, when depression isn’t in the way… or is that just the facade I put on for everyone else? I am not even certain anymore. I just know that Today, I want you to take care of me, today, I need you to take care of me, tomorrow…. I can’t look you in the eyes because how can you respect me when I have been in bed crying and my house is a mess and my kids are out of control. How can we have an “Equal” relationship? How can we move forward when you have seen me like this? How can you love me like I need to be loved today and then be respected tomorrow?????

But, don’t stop, because today, I need this, I need you to help me, to drag me out of bed today and force me to live my own life. But, can’t you be a little gentler about it? Why can’t you understand that it is progress to get up and write today? It is progress to cook today and, pick my clothes up off the floor. Yes, I understand that to you, these are everyday things, but would you yell at someone with cancer like this? Would you say..”I know the chemo makes you tired but you need to get up and live your life today!!” “Stop saying you are trying to get better and just do IT!” Would you say that if I had a tumor? Would you say that if I had a heart attack? Would you say that if I broke my leg? Because you see… I do have a tumor, I did have a heart attack and I do have a broken leg, all rolled into one………… I HAVE DEPRESSION AND I CANNOT JUST GET OVER IT!!!!! I wish you could just live inside my fucking head one day……. I promise you, I would have to hide all the bullets!

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