Today is not a good day. I woke up to day a good day, yesterday was a good day. Then it all went to shit. My on again- off again relationship, is off again. Maybe this is for the best. Maybe it is not. I found strength in that relationship. The thought of the end put me into shambles. Usually when he walks away, I am able to face it with such indifference. Perhaps its everything else going on in my life, perhaps its the insecurity of my employment. Perhaps it is a little bit of everything.
I was feeling so much better yesterday, I started to think the supplements were lifting me. Today though, the darkness welcomes be back into its arms. Today, the sadness taunts me like an old friend who know how to push me away and pull me back. Today the darkness comes like a blast from the past, threatening to consume me with its power. Yesterday, I felt strong, Yesterday, I felt like I could be okay, like I could take all on, with him in my life, without him in my life, it didn’t matter.
Ironically, I think the ambivilence is what attracts him. I have never read the book why men love bitches, but I think when he feels like I need him to be strong, he is turned off by that. My last boyfriend needed to be needed, he needed me to be week, to need him. This one is different, I cant manipulate him with my tears, I cant manipulate with him with the sadness. He is one of the others, he doesnt understand how real the darkness is, he doesnt understand how it consumes me. he doesnt understand that his voice pulls me into the light when everything else is dark. He doesn’t want to be my hero. He doesnt want to rescue me. He wants me to be strong, on my own. I was strong on my own when he came around, I was standing in an unbreakable tower, but then, something happened, the darkness came back, too many things were going good, too many things were going my way… the darkness laughs at me, it taunts me, it thinks it is funny that I would believe life could be better. It swipes my knees out from under me, to assure me that I can’t stand alone, on my own. I need some chemical inside me. I need some chaos to organize, I need some crisis to rise above, it will not let me just be ok with the status quo.
Today is not a good day, my eyes are swollen with the tears of uncertainty, my brain aches with the uncertainty of tomorrow. Unsure of its own strength, it looks to find words to strengthen it, to assure it, but the heart is broken and the heart cannot support it today.
It could be so simple to shut my eyes and close out the world, stop worrying about the hurt, stop begging for the pain to end. I could just end it. I can make the pain go away as quick as a bullet can pierce the skin or a poison absorbs into the body. It could all be over that quickly. It could. But three little men depend on me. Their father is worse off than I am. He drowns himself in alcohol so he doesn’t have to be strong. At least when we were together, I had a crisis to solve, to remind me that I was alive. Those three little men have no choice, they will inherit this mess, they get it from both of us, I have to show them strength and resolve. But today, I don’t have any. Today, I want to curl up and wish it all away, I want my swollen head to stop aching. I want my broken heart to stop beating. I want the pain to stop.
Tomorrow I can be strong, I can get up and forget this day every happened. I can clean the chaos around me, keep myself to busy to be tormented by the thoughts that agonize me today. I can clean away the despair, sweep away the dusty feelings of yesterday, mop up all the tears. But not today. Today I am too far gone, the tears stain my face, rub salt into my wounds. Today they fester and torment. Today, I will wallow in this ugly darkness because it is familiar, it is home.
Tomorrow I can put on a mask again. Tomorrow I can pretend again. Tomorrow I can be strong again. Today, leave me alone in my despair. It is comfortable here.