I hope you didn’t come to this article looking for a magic bullet, some way to save your relationship, some way to fix what is broken. I am afraid you will find none of that here.
First of let me start by saying that relationships are important, particularly while you are depressed, but there is no love potion or magic spell that can fix what isn’t meant to be fixed. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying your relationship can’t be fixed, but I am saying there is no magic pill to do the work for you.
First of all if you are depressed, its time to take a good, hard look at the relationships you are keeping! It is hard to admit, I know, but are you keeping relationships that are prolonging your illness? For example an alcoholic seeking treatment while remaining married to an alcoholic is much less likely to be successful at sobriety, then if that same alcoholic realizes that the relationship is not meeting their needs anymore.
Now, I for one know that misery loves company. We tend to keep people in our lives who keep us stuck in the emotional state we are in. Like draws like. This is the power of magnetism folks. We tend to hang out with like minded people. They complain with us, they commiserate with us, they know where the bodies are… does that mean they are still good for us? Maybe when our self esteem is shoddy and these miserable bed mates can lift us by degrading the one that may have hurt us, certainly there is a time and place for such relationships. But, we are talking about wanting to feel better now! We are changing our routine, fixing our diet, trying to listen to more positive music, laugh more and cry less…. should we keep hanging out then with eeyore?
I love my friends, but I know when I have had enough of them. I can spend time with my negative friends, but it needs to be limited. They want to commiserate. They want to talk about everyone. They want to talk about how much life sucks. Generally, I agree with them, but this type of friendship is not what I need right now. I need to surround myself with positive people, people who are happy, optimistic.. you know the peppy sugar coated ones I usually roll my eyes at.
Yep, you know who they are.. there are certain people who just lift a room when they enter. Everyone wants to be around them because they give off a certain positive energy. They take setbacks in stride, they always seem to be smiling… you know who I am talking about. You are depressed after all, think about the girl your roll your eyes at regularly and wish she would take her syrupy self somewhere else so you can be left alone with your misery.
Let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t hate the syrup, we are jealous of it. We wish we knew how to let setbacks roll off the way she does. We wish we could smile a sparkling, genuine smile like she does. If you are like me, and you try to smile like that, people will ask you what deviousness you are up to, am I right? It is time to turn the tables, spend some time with people that make us feel good about ourselves, not commiserate in our misery.
This could be our significant other as well. I am not saying you need to run out and get divorced, but you do need to look at your relationship honestly. You want to get better, does this relationship lift you up, or tear you down. Do you rush to get home to your loved one, or work a couple extra hours to stay away a little longer?
Maybe things were great when you were that person, but you are not that person anymore. Or you are trying not to be. But if you change your diet and change your routine and go home to a bar, isn’t that just a little too tempting to go back to the old way?
Just think about it, how do your relationships make you feel, journal about them, write down whatever comes to mind, don’t filter it.
Need to talk about it? Come back here, we are all going through this together!