What will Matter?


What will matter when you are gone? Depression can be so ugly, like the commercials tell us, it affects everyone in our lives…

I stumbled across this website because I was looking for a graphic to post, something that showed without words, how depression feels.

For those who have never suffered from depression (like my boyfriend) it can be so confusing to them. They don’t understand why you just cannot get out of bed today. They don’t understand why you are crying so much or why you are snapping at them for something stupid. they dont understand how little control you have over the way you feel. My significant other will often say, “get out of bed, get into nature and do something!” I often think to myself, if only you knew how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other some days… Hell, some days basic things like sleeping, eating or even breathing (if you have anxiety too) can be difficult and these things are supposed to be natural! “Just get up!” He says, not realizing that I am drowning silently, unable to breath in a room full of oxygen. There are no words to explain it. We all try to explain depression to “the others” we try to have them understand what it feels like, why we cant do what they want to see us doing, why we cannot do what we want to do.. we use words like pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, darkness, drowning, suffocation, but none of those really describe it perfectly. Anyway, so they say a picture is worth a thousand words and I was looking for one of those pictures, that could say those thousand words to explain what this feels like and I came across this site. This site is not really about depression but more about character. Sadly, those of us who are depressed can be know to be of poor character. But, do we really have poor character? Personally, I never flake on my friends and family on purpose! I want to be a better mother. I want to be a better girlfriend. I want a clean house and better relationships. I DO NOT want my depression impacting me at work. I dont want the meds I am taking to impact my libido or make me numb to everything, but sometimes numb is the better alternative to the pain and darkness. Sadly, when the libido goes, we give up one of the things that could make us feel better, orgasm. Frankly orgasms alone could be a cure for depression, but jeez, in order to have an orgasm, we have to have sex. In order to have sex, we have to be in the mood. In order to be in the mood, we have to be having a good day, sometimes a really good day means being able to get up and take a shower. Sometimes it means putting all the pain away long enough to have some quality time with out loved ones. However, just because we have a good day today, does not mean our loved ones are with us, and ready to forgive us for spending the last two weeks in bed without a shower or for biting their head off for something stupid yesterday…. or just this morning before we popped our pill. Those of us with depression are not trying to exemplify poor character. We dont want to be the dregs of society. We don’t want to self medicate with alcohol, drugs or even prescription anti-depressants. We do not want to be like this! Don’t you understand? NO! I am afraid, if you have never suffered from depression, you just dont understand! We are not just sad, we are not just ruminating over something silly. Our entire life revolves around pain and darkness, do you really think we choose to be this way?

I digress, I liked the little slide show and in so many ways, it is true that what matters is the impression we leave on those we leave behind. What matters are the lives we touch. What matters are the memories we leave behind…

Sadly, those of us with depression leave behind memories of someone who was weak, couldnt cope, had mental problems, was tired all the time etc. This is not what we want to be remembered for! This is what we hate about ourselves. This is what perpetuates the depression, because we hate how we feel, we hate how we act and that riddles us with guilt, making us more sad.

Is it really possible to fake it until you make it, as so many of “the others” would have us believe? Can we really “Just do it?” Can we just get up and get out into nature and it will be the magic pill to make us feel better? The others would have us believe that it can work. If only they understood the tremendous energy that it takes to put one foot in front of the other…

I am not really here to say we cant do it. I am actually here to try and find ways to get my shit together. I want quality relationships, I want to get out bed, clean my house, feed my kids, love my boyfriend, nurture my friendships, be successful at my chosen profession. I want to, I really do!! But oh its so hard to put the first foot on the floor. (And I dont just mean because my carpet is dirty, and it really is…) I mean its hard to get up, to take a shower and do life.

I posted about flylady and getting the house clean. The first thing she wants you to do every single day is get dressed to the laces. This means get out of bed, take your shower, get yourself dressed all the way to putting on your shoes and lacing them up. For those of us with depression, this simple task can seem insurmountable at times! It really can feel like the shower is a million miles away.

But I will try this advice of “the others” today. I will put one foot on the floor and then the other. I will do it. I may not get as far as lacing the shoes, but even if I take a shower today, it will be more than I did yesterday…

What about you? DO YOU THINK “The others” are right? DO you think it is really just mind over matter and we can self motivate. Can we force the depression from our being by putting one foot in front of the other?

I have a dear friend who really has her shit together. Her house is spotless (She has always been disgusted by my house!) She has a good job and she is one of the hardest workers I know. She is conscience of her relationships, she is a good, loving yet firm mother. She is a loving wife (except for the whole libido thing) and she suffers. She suffers as much as I do. She has sat in her car in the garage ready to end it all. She is one of the most beautiful friends I know and I know she would do anything for me. It pains me greatly to know that I have not been a good friend to her, to know that I need to be more available, cultivate this friendship to this beautiful woman I have know for almost 25 years. It pains me greatly to know that she suffers, she is not a bad person, her house is clean, her kids are well behaved and so on.. why does she get stuck with the pain? She puts one foot in front of the other every single day and still suffers greatly…. so, is it really mind over matter? I am not sure that I am convinced! What do you think?


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