Getting it together

One of the biggest parts of the out of control equation is my messy house! My kids are filthy, I am messy, my pets.. well they are just pets but we do not do a great job of keeping after them…. You get the idea. I spend the majority of my time in my bedroom. Yep, my bedroom is the family hub, it makes it easier for me to nurse my depression and ignore the mess and chaos that is my life. Sometimes I sleep A Lot, but I often go 24 hours without as much as a nap too… Depression sucks!!! I have been suffering from severe depression for almost 15 years~! I may have had some form of milder depression always, but I remember the first debilitating experience after my second son was born. I remember laying on the couch and he would cry and I would try and try to get him to stop.. I tried to play with him, in my mind, I did all the great things I did with my first son, read him stories, took him on nature walks, quiet time on the front porch with our eyes closed… listening to sounds…. You get the idea, I was a great mother with son number one, but post-partum depression reared its ugly head after baby number 2 and I just didnt have it in me to be a good mother, I could barely take care of myself…

All of that seems so long ago. Incidentally, my second son has so many issues now, ADHD with a focus on the HD. He is a classic example of a child with no impulse control, lack of attention, sexual identity issues… and the list goes on.. this kid has had some epic temper tantrums! Oh how the parental guilt can abound when you have a child with mental health issues… what could I have done better? (Everything!) Was it the depression? Was it the meningitis I had when I was pregnant? Was it all the alcohol his father drank, did that effect his sperm? (Sadly, I would love to blame it on this, but wouldnt that have impacted all of my kids equally?)


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